So my birthday was on Wendsday 9/21 and I got a birthday cake but didn't eat any of it that day. But yesterday I had a piece and I also had ice cream with it. I then went to go take a shower and I have have been struggling with the though of purge after I eat well yesterday was the first time that I ended up doing it. Now it just seems like the though is stronger and stronger than ever and I can't tell the one person I really want to tell because if I do it might have an effect on me getting the ONE summer job I really want. So I am just stuck with the secret. I ate my cake again tonight and yep I purged it this time I got more up then last night. But the thing that I don't understand is that I told myself I could never make myself throw up because it's just gross but here I am purging. I hate the way I look. When I look in the mirror all I see is a fat ugly person staring back at me. I'm on a diving team so I have to wear a bathing suit and although I do wear a two piece I still am the fattest one I just hate it sooooo much. At times I wish I could just take a knife and carve out all of my fat. I think that is about it for now.

Music if I didn't have music I would die

Ipod because I need music everywhere I go

My Phone

My art 

Two of my friends and there advise
   

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I hate this so much it's not even funny. Yesterday I almost fainted during a midterm for the first time in my life I couldn't breathe right and it sucked. I am trying to get better but it is so hard. I have eatten so much today I can't even believe it and yet as I'm typing this I am still shaking and my stomach is growling I feel faint and hate it so much. I thought my cutting was taking over my life but this is worse than the cutting has ever been. I can't stop thinking about my weight or food. I compare myself to everyone and can feel people staring at me. I want my life to be easier but it never has been and I wish it was. I wish I wasn't me anymore. I don't want to be here anymore if this is how my life is actually going to be and NO this is not SUICIDAL thinking it's just wishing I was someone else with a much better and happier life.

I think that the reason some people are bullies is because when they put someone down or beat them it makes them feel better about themselves. But its a very stupid reason

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I discovered Xanga a long time ago while searching for quotes and found I really liked it.
   

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My name is Francesca pronounced: Franc(h)esca but I don't like that name so I go by Frankie, well I'm starting to go by Frankie now. I am 18 years old and graduate high school in 24 days. I dive 4 days a week and help with special olypics...The sports I helop in are: Bowling, Swimming, Bocce Ball, and some what Basket Ball. I am a girl scout and have gone to girlscout camp since i was in the second grade so 10 years. I would be a counclor there this year but I need to work on my diving. Half the things I do won't make sense to you guys I am a very complicated confusing girl. For instants I wear really bright colored skinny jeans and my hair right now is Blonde, Bloack and Green and spikes up a little in the back and you know I'm going to get attention but i HATE attention. I'm outgoing, but shy and anti-social at the same time. I've been through so much shit in my life. I used to cut may 16th will be three years of being cut free but not self-harm free(which is bad I know). I  have an eating disorder. It has gotten worse and worse. I am probably one of the very few kids who has been diagnosed with so many things at a young age and on pills since then. When I was about three I was diagnosed with ADHD, and Insomnia. Now I am diagnosed with those two and: Anxiety, Bi-polar disorder, Ocd, they think I have PTSD, I have a very addictive mind.

So this blogging is kind of going to be random and all over the place I'll post random shit half the time then Write about how I feel. Or put quotes up and song lyrics. Well I guess This is it for now.

~Frankie