September 23, 2011

  • Birthday Cake & Ice Cream

    So my birthday was on Wendsday 9/21 and I got a birthday cake but didn't eat any of it that day. But yesterday I had a piece and I also had ice cream with it. I then went to go take a shower and I have have been struggling with the though of purge after I eat well yesterday was the first time that I ended up doing it. Now it just seems like the though is stronger and stronger than ever and I can't tell the one person I really want to tell because if I do it might have an effect on me getting the ONE summer job I really want. So I am just stuck with the secret. I ate my cake again tonight and yep I purged it this time I got more up then last night. But the thing that I don't understand is that I told myself I could never make myself throw up because it's just gross but here I am purging. I hate the way I look. When I look in the mirror all I see is a fat ugly person staring back at me. I'm on a diving team so I have to wear a bathing suit and although I do wear a two piece I still am the fattest one I just hate it sooooo much. At times I wish I could just take a knife and carve out all of my fat. I think that is about it for now.